A Woman Divided

How can so much be expected of one mom?

As I write that I know the answer is "It just is." A lot of sacrifices, a lot of missed outings, a lot of work, a lot of missed sleep and tears.

And I only have one child. Bless the mamas of multiples.

My basic plan for getting through each day while being successful at home and at the studio is to multi-task baby awake time and head to the studio (and sometime the shower) during naptime. These days the multi-tasking thing is not to successful. I feel like if I respond to a text message, the next thing I know Annabelle is sticking her finger in an electrical outlet, sucking on my computer charger, dumping water glasses, falling over or eating bugs off the floor. So, doing laundry, cooking meals or cleaning up dishes while Annabelle is on the loose is pretty hard these days.

And she's not even walking yet.

This half day school thing was supposed to be my break. But so far it's been a giant hassle and I'm having to really force myself to be positive about it.

The first week she cried a lot. I was optimistic about the first day since she didn't cry when I left and was not crying when I picked her up. But she cried a lot in between and didn't take her usual morning nap which at home lasts about 2 hours. Wednesday, she cried almost the whole 4 hours at school. She cried when I left and was crying when I picked her up.

Then, Friday she was sick. And has been for the last 9 days with a terrible cold/respiratory infection complete with a full blown cough and a green snotty nose.

I'm not necessarily blaming it on school.

But mostly I am.

She is still not better yet- her cough is lingering so I'm not sure I will be able to send her to school tomorrow. So if she makes it one day this week, that will be a grand total of three days in attendance for the whole month. What a waste. I missed my goal of making 12 new pots per week this week because of it so I'm paying the price already.

Of course on the days she missed school I had to find last minute back up babysitters for a sick baby because I had training to volunteer at her school (Monday) which helps with our tuition, a pottery class to teach (Wednesday), and then volunteering at her school (Friday). As I said, this school thing is making our lives difficult.

Not to mention the downside of nursery care. Annabelle didn't nap at school either day she went, making her crabby and out of sync with her regular sleep rhythms. I calculated it out and if she misses her 2 hour nap, every time she attends school until the 18 month mark when studies show the morning nap begins to fade away, she will miss about 80 hours of sleep. That means something to me. I strongly believe missed sleep leads to much more serious ailments like depression, anxiety, troubled night sleep, learning disabilities and slowed development. There is research to support all this. I hate that sleep hygiene is not a priority in many caretaker's eyes.

Anyway, all this is written to alleviate my apprehension but also sort out what I'm wiling to go through to have these extra daytime hours to work. The volume and hours of my work are at my discretion, which is a blessing, but it is a constant nagging question as to how much time is enough? How much family time is enough? How many pots is enough? How much income is enough?

There are no perfect answers to those questions. And the only real answer is to take it a day at a time and care for my little one while she is sick, love on her when she is with me, and work to my greatest ability when the time allows. I may take her out of school, or we may stick with it for the year as planned. I may let her nap at home and then take her to school for an hour or two. We may play hooky when we need to.

I always admired the moms that seemed to have an easy time making space in their life for themselves, and I still do. But now being in the midst of it, I know it's not that easy to say, I will still have my coffee breaks and my business humming along and my body in shape and am completely at ease leaving my baby with a sitter because I'm a cool cucumber mama. It's just not. Especially not with this young a baby. Maybe I jumped the gun too soon signing her up for outside of home care. Maybe my answer is wait, wait a few months/years/decades longer for more "you" time. That is hard to type but it's reality.

Many people have asked things of me lately that I've not been able to do. I feel the guilt of saying no heavy upon me for that but it will just have to be. I've already over committed myself to too many things already and have that sickness at the pit of my stomach because of it. I feel maxed out with one baby, one job and one husband.

Probably time for some yoga and ice cream. That should be the name of this blog. Those things really do make all things easier to handle.

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And now for some recent pictures from our life!

AB with her cousins and grandpa at Jon's birthday party this past weekend.

AB swimming with her dad and friends